I’m really tired of all the experts panning us – “divorce parents”!
Yes we have kids and we’re divorced, but we love our children more than anything. Getting a divorce doesn’t makes us bad parents! I may not be the greatest mum but that has nothing to do with my divorce – it has to do with impatience, being messy, too quick to say what I think etc. I’m definitely no Carol Brady or Marianne Cunningham!
How many of those studies have you read that say children of divorce family have x times the chance of…? So I want you to file this blog and re-read it every time you read one of those!
How many of us “stayed together for the kids”, enduring too many years of misery? The sad part is that the kids knew we were unhappy. Our kids suffered through years of fighting and screaming, or for some passive-aggressive silences. That must be unhealthy right? Although divorce is chaotic at first – living with two separate happy parents is certainly healthier. So are children affected prior to divorce whilst parents were trying to hold things together, rather than by the actual divorce?
Is part of the reason nature rather than nurture? Let’s face it, often people divorce for reasons other than lack of happiness or “falling out of love”. Partners may have mismanaged mental health issues, addictions, anger management issues, narcissistic traits etc. Some of these are genetic issues which may manifest in children. Do the statistics take this into account? No.
Remember the old adage: Water must be poisonous. Everyone who drinks it eventually dies! So when the statisticians quote the numbers – what does it prove?
Divorce does have an effect on children. It’s hard for children not to be living with both parents and we carry that guilt. Many of us work even harder to better parents because of it.
And so to the positives… There are positive things divorce teaches children.
We have taught them:-
1.Life is not always easy and sometimes you have to make some really tough decisions to improve it. I would love to be able to grant my children happy, smooth, easy lives. Life isn’t like that. It’s full of decisions – some major, and you often need what feels like supreme strength to make them.
2. We will love them no matter what – no matter where they live, who they live with, how far away they are etc. Post-divorce families can be separated for short or long periods, across cities, states and even countries. Does that effect our love? Never. Sometimes it does take kids a while to realise this.
3, Value life, every day! There isn’t a loving parent anywhere that would want their child (no matter how old!) to endure pain. We all want our children to have wonderful relationship’s with loving partners. If it breaks down, how many of us would want our kids to stay in the relationship?
Being the best parent you can is the key! Whether you are divorced or happily married, the guidelines are the same. Love, caring, hugs, open communication, boundaries, quality time, not letting anger or hurt turn to bitterness, never using your kids as pawns, etc.
Happy parenting x